I have never experienced such a defiant, tantrum-y internal attitude as I did last week. It is human nature to avoid pain to the best of our ability. Physical, emotional, mental… And, as humans, we usually find ways to avoid or deflect pain. When it comes to emotional pain, I tend to stay super busy, or numb out with books/tv/podcasts and what have you. (Silence means you have to face it.) Or, I have a ton of internal dialog with the person/people I believe are to blame for my emotional pain. In this situation there is no one to shift the blame to. And, I can’t wait it out till it fizzles out and leaves (momentarily). Chemotherapy has to happen and there’s no way to avoid or deflect and it was making me so __________… I don’t have a word for it, other than “tantrum-y”. Not having a frame of reference for how I would feel, knowing I’ll suffer more loss, wondering how to live my best life these next 4 months… It’s hard to get your ducks in a row and process your feelings when you JUST don’t know.

But, by Monday, at my pre-chemo appointment, I noticed I woke up with resolve. I’d been asking God for courage, but he gave me resolve instead. It was nice, and it works for me! I don’t have a choice, and feeling resolved feels so much better than feeling_________. (Fill in synonyms for tantrum-y) And God was gracious with so much confirmation. My SIL sent me a text, literally as I was being hooked up to the IV, with lots of encouragement, including, “You asked for courage…but I was thinking today we don’t need courage or strength as much as resolve to just dig our nails into God and never let go because it’s His strength, His courage that gets us through.” Coincidence? I don’t think so.

I had a friend bring me some beautiful flowers at work yesterday and tell me, “People keep telling you you’re brave… But you don’t have to be.” What a relief. My bravery did a mic drop and left the building last week. Another special group from work prayed over mustard seeds and filled a locket with them for me to take to my appointment, which was a) THE BEST, and b) exactly perfect. My faith has felt precisely the size of a mustard seed, but people piled theirs up with mine, so there will be a lot of mountain-moving happening.

I would say another word besides resolved I’m experiencing is Surrender. Such a powerful word. I always want to surrender things that create obstacles in my relationship with Jesus (i.e: Need for control and comfort…) In my normal life, I sometimes *think* I’m surrendering, but it’s usually small potatoes, and I control the outcome and only in ways I’m comfortable with… Hmmm. Now, I have no choice but to surrender both comfort and control. No choice. So I wait expectantly for what God will do during this time. I know when I’m on the other side of this, whatever He does in and for me, will be huge and I wouldn’t trade it for nuthin’. So be it (resolve). Not my will, but Yours (surrender). And I know He sees me. I know He’s sitting with me, doing the grunt work of moving mountains for me. And today, 1 out of 8 mountains was crushed!