Journal entry by Megan Steele- August 10, 2019
While I try my best to remain optimistic and keep it together, mini-meltdowns are starting to pop up, and often in public. Embarrassing. Emotions are not always convenient, but there they are. There’s a lot of change ahead, a lot of unknown, and a fair share of disappointment. I told my mom it sometimes feels like all my friends are playing outside while I’m stuck inside with the chicken pox and I can see everyone having fun outside my window. I
have been preparing for the past year to become certified as a yoga instructor through YogaFaith. I’ve planned to go to Washington to for my final “Immersion” classes to complete my certification in October. I have been sooo excited with big plans and ideas once I’d completed the classes. I will now put that on hold and wait another year for those classes to be available in the Northwest. Work opportunities I would’ve liked to at least had the chance to consider came up, but because of timing, they are not an option for me. Also, define “Extreme Fatigue”…? A side effect of radiation. I already struggle with adrenal fatigue. Between that, menopause, and cancer, I’m so tired all. the. time… Will it be more extreme than this? And still- more waiting. Waiting to meet with oncology and a genetic counselor, and for a surgery date. The more information and answers I receive, the more questions I have. I’m nervous about physical changes and side effects. My ability to do my job. I’ve never done all this before, ya know?
But, at the same time, why am I being such a whiner? This little time-out is meant to save my life. I caught this before it could become a threat. (Survival rate for me is in the upper 90%s, so if you are still worrying, stop it.) I know there are good things waiting on the other side of this for me. Maybe even in the in between time. I just sometimes have a hard time with the 24 hours I’m standing in. There’s a road ahead of me, and I don’t know what it holds. I just know that it’s not going to be simple. It’s going to pull me out of my comfort zone and demand personal growth. I know there are valuable lessons along the way and I want to remain teachable.
I’ve been reading “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst. She talks about how the knowledge of what’s ahead can be a burden we aren’t meant to carry. She states “If I saw the full road ahead, I would stop about halfway through and never choose to continue with His plan. I would think the cost too high, the path too scary, the way too daunting, and the enemy too frightening.” Seeing too much of the plan in advance is a burden we weren’t meant to carry. It has to be revealed daily. Little by little, in portions we humans can handle. She goes on to say “God isn’t trying to be mysterious or hard to understand. He’s being merciful. We don’t have to know the plan to trust there is a plan. We don’t have to feel good to trust there is good coming. We don’t have to see the evidence of changes to trust that it won’t always be this hard.”
So, mostly, I’m hanging in there. I feel like I keep a pretty good head on my shoulders most of the time. But I also fall apart every now and then. It just sort of rises up. I’m thankful for the people who notice and hug me and/or pray over me. It is a perfect antidote for the emotional overwhelm that takes me by surprise.
