July 15, 2020

The Skin I’m In

I did a thing.

Major cancer treatments are nearly 4 months behind me. I continue to see allll of my doctors for check ups, and I keep up with all of my new medications. I am currently finding my new baseline for what “normal” feels like for me…

My brain doesn’t quite hold information the way it used to, my metabolism has slowed way down, my body doesn’t keep up with all the things it formerly did, I’ll likely need physical therapy for the range of motion in my left arm thanks to surgery, and post-cancer treatment fatigue is REAL, y’all. I am the least happy I’ve every been with my appearance… But I am the most comfortable in my own skin that I’ve ever been… Isn’t that wild? I’ve never been so at peace with myself. My mind has never been so at rest. Thank you, Jesus!

Like so many others, my ability to celebrate a milestone was taken by COVID19. I didn’t get to celebrate the end of treatment with my loved ones. I didn’t get to take my husband with me to my last appointment. I couldn’t even high-five my Radiation Oncologist. And, did you know, no one ever says the words “Congratulations! Your’re Cancer Free!” I suppose because there’s no guarantee?

With the help of Emily Vandehey Photography, I decided to document my victory over Breast Cancer and the weird phenomenon of the bazaar comfort I have in my new, not improved body. (By the way, Emily is the cutest, a master at her craft, and we use her for all the things. Basically we’d adopt her if she didn’t hve a family already!)

It seemed appropriate! I’ve never loved pictures of myself, and now is the weirdest time for me to choose to spend money and have a professional do the deed, but it’s what I did. In fact, I’ve taken more pictures of myself during this whole cancer thing than I ever have before. Baldy and all!

Slowly but surely I’m finding my way back onto the yoga mat (and can do far less than I used to- for now, anyway), I’m choosing to eat more plants, drink more water, and just give myself grace and patience. My life before cancer? The pace of it? The stress of it? It was UNSUSTAINABLE. I see that now. It was literally killing me. I’ve decided what’s coming with me into the future and what will stay “back there”. I encourage you to contemplate the same during this slower time in our weird world.

While the world has been falling apart, I’ve been putting myself back together. Little by little, bit by bit. I don’t like cancer, but I’m grateful for what it’s developed in me… Minus the mutant cells!