I was feeling so good today. I made it through the night without pain meds, dressed myself without yelping in pain, fixed my own hair… I even wiped down a counter. Things were really looking up. My Surgeon called today, however, with “mostly good news” (her words). The margin around the tumor she removed looks good and is acceptable. Clear margin. Nice! But, out of the two lymph nodes she removed to biopsy, only one of them is clear. The other shows the presence of cancer cells. Oy Vey!
This news was a little like the first diagnosis for me. Strong immediate reaction. There are two of me in these moments. There’s the me it’s happening to and the me that’s watching it happen from a distance. I notice that positivity that came easily a month ago, I have to work a little harder and dig a little deeper to find. It’s still there, but I have to actively “hold every thought captive” and ward off the doubt darts. I also catch myself telling people, “…it’s ok! Don’t worry, I’m ok…” I’m realizing that’s what I’ve always said for the protection of others, but I’m finding it a little less believable in my own heart and maybe not so honest. Don’t get me wrong. I still believe God is helping me navigate this 100% and I know nothing of this will be wasted. Like I said in the beginning, that misplaced value I put on control, comfort, and safety is still being worked on. I’m being refined. I still plan to let God do His job, the Medical Professionals do theirs and I will do mine. I still keep trying to grab the pen from His hand when I clearly don’t know what’s next in my story.
I’m disappointed at this news, but I’m glad I’m being watched over and that the amazing team at Salem Hospital has my back. It’s important to have this information and care, and I am grateful that they’ve done their part in making sure I kick this cancer’s booty. In the meantime, I will continue practicing being present, in the moment, and allowing myself to feel my feelings. Sometimes I forget to do that and they come out sideways. Or in public. Sheesh! 😆
One friend reminds me to try not to “borrow trouble” from tomorrow. (Today has enough of it’s own, ya know?) Family confirms that we still believe there is a positive outcome at the end, this in-between part just looks different than we expected. God continues to be gentle with me, tender as I take each step. I am grateful for all the teachable moments.
