Journal entry by megan steele — Sep 6, 2019

Finally! I feel like today’s appointment with the Oncologist took foorrrreeevvver to get here! I was originally supposed to go in on the 12th, but after learning I wasn’t done with cancer yet, there is no way on God’s green earth I’m waiting that long to learn what the plan of attack is! And I’m thankful, because it allowed me to have the fabulous Dr. Renee Prins. (Having Dr. Patricia Luckeroth as my surgeon was going to be a hard act to follow!) While today’s news was hard, it was a very encouraging visit. And maybe a teensy bit complicated.

Because of my age, there isn’t enough research/data to support certain types of tests and treatment as being successful for me. I like being called young, but in this case it means a longer timeline of treatment and also renders certain testing not as trustworthy. Soooo, we are looking at 16 weeks of the chemo-life. (Treatment will be every other week for a total of 8 treatments.) Thanks to modern oncology and a wonderful doctor, precautions will be taken to boost my white blood cell count before each treatment. They are aggressive about nausea and vomiting. They don’t allow it. She said if I throw up even one time, that is one time too many and she does everything she can to keep that from happening. After a while, I may start to be tired, but not bed-ridden. If I feel bed-ridden, that is also unacceptable and she will work that out for me as well. This is all encouraging news! Again, nothing like Hollywood would have me believe. My Oncologist is also a believer and was able to speak encouragement and life into me at the end of my appointment, which is just one more way God continues to show His presence through this whole ordeal.

Now, the not so encouraging news. I will lose my hair. While this is a temporary problem, and it will grow back someday, I’m not going to pretend like I’m ok with it- This makes me so sad and I know I will struggle with it. It will be hard. BUT, I’ve spent the day going over eyebrow makeup tutorials for chemo patients (Maddi will have my back on this and be my trainer), and how to dress fashionably with a port (this will be tucked into my chest for the next 4 months as the access point for the chemo treatments). I’ve put all kinds of slouchy beanies and boho scarves on my wish list AND, fun fact: Insurance covers wigs! I know, right? Also, I was definitely the youngest one in the waiting room. So that’s an interesting factor.

I would like to take a minute and address what I know is a very real and valid question that a lot of people have. “Why would a good God give you cancer?” And I understand all the emotion, anger and frustration behind that question. The thing is, God didn’t give me cancer. Cancer is a result of living in a world where sin and death exist. God doesn’t want this for me. But he allowed it. And because he is a loving God, he is equipping me for what’s ahead. (“Each time he said, ‘My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, He is proving himself in a million little ways, and loving me through this. Ways I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. Cancer makes my body weaker, but I tell you what. I am learning SO much about where my strength comes from, the characteristics God, and I’m growing in ways I never knew I could. Again, not a fan of cancer. But I like what it’s helping me become. And this is temporary and curable. I’m thankful for that!!