4 Down, 4 To Go

4 Down, 4 To Go

Journal entry by megan steele — Nov 9, 2019

Yesterday was a small victory for me. I am halfway through Chemotherapy. The first four of my treatments are one type of cocktail and the last four will be a different type. These first four were no picnic and #3 was ROUGH! Some adjustments were made for yesterday’s treatment and so far, so good. The fact that I’m journaling right now is huge.

At my last treatment I was really feeling like this would never end. I was sooo sick, and due to a change in meds that were supposed to make things easier, they were actually far worse, including needing an EKG because the steroid made me feel like my heart would explode. By the time I felt like I’d mostly recovered it was time for the next round. Hitting this halfway mark tells me there is an end in sight. While I don’t know what to expect with the next four treatments, my Oncologist (who does my hair by the way 😂 ) says it will be easier on me than these first 4 have been. I don’t want to get too confident, but I like the sound of that.
A sweet friend gave me a book Fully Alive, by Susan Larson. In this book she quotes Dr. Timothy Jennings: “Our brain has only two motivational fuels: Love and fear. Perfect love casts out fear. When we allow fear to run rampant in our lives, we open the door to a cascade of inflammation to our bodies. Fear significantly affects our health, decision making ability, and our perspective.” This is so true. Jeramy and I both had the same question for Dr. Prins: When this is over, how do we know it won’t come back? And of course there’s no pat answer. Lot’s of screenings, a watchful eye, prayer, staying in touch with her for the next 10 years… But one thing she said is an important factor with Breast Cancer survivors is mental health.

I have adrenal fatigue which comes from living a lot of my adult life in a fight-or-flight mode. A lot of anxious thoughts, over-thinking, my job, etc. Hearing this made me realize it is time to address these things. I also realize it likely played a part in what got me here today. It’s not the type of thing I can solve on my own, and after hearing this from her I know it’s time to get some outside help. Whether counseling to gain different strategies, meds, whatever… But anxiety is another thing I put on the back burner, just like mammograms- I’ll get to it when I get to it. My perspectives have obviously changed.

So that’s me addressing fear and mental health. When I’m all done beating cancer, anxiety will be next on my list. I consider myself an optimistic person. And I do want to filter everything from a “Love God, Love People” perspective. My spirit so wants to come from a place of love, but in my head there is a lot of fear-combat. In Romans, Paul talks about how the things he wants to do he doesn’t and things he doesn’t want to do he does. The spirit is willing and the flesh is weak.

Again, it’s in my weakness that God’s strength is showcased. I can feel quite flattened these days. It amazes me when someone tells me if they didn’t know what was going on underneath, they’d have no idea just by looking at me. That is 100% God’s grace, because lemme tell ya! there’s a lot going on in this mortal body these days. I can’t wait to be myself again. BUT, being halfway through chemo means a better version of my normal self is that much closer!

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