Everything now is seen through a lense of before and after. I even remember being on vacation, glamping for our anniversary, when we got my diagnosis. When we got back to our fancy tent, I remember thinking things like “those are the shoes I wore this morning- before I had cancer… That’s the blanket I wrapped myself in- before I had cancer”. Stuff like that. Moments that weren’t even noticed or thought of when they were happening. I’ve lived life fast and unfocused. Hurried and anxious. Rarely living in the present. My tendencies have been to look inward and down at the things that might or could happen, always projecting into the future. Not paying attention to this moment. The one I’m in. The one where life is actually happening.

I hate cancer. I’m so over it all. But I am SO thankful for what it’s teaching me about my priorities, and my thought life. This past month has been very hard. There’s a bit of isolation that comes with not being able to do things I enjoy, my body not working the way I know it should. Being “out of order” every other week. My thoughts, again, start to focus on what’s not working and what’s “down here”.

And then… For years I’ve known, heard, understood that Gratitude is the best combat for anxiety, depression and is just a generally healthy place to operate from. It brings unadulterated joy. And I’m not just talking about in November. I’m actually digging my fingernails into it. I’m taking it seriously and actively experiencing it. There are hundreds of moments, gifts given to me every day by an amazing Gift Giver. (He hates cancer, too, by the way.) “I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I’ve seen the hungry and the guns that go to war. I have lived pain and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a Good God gives. Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn’t rescue the suffering.” -Ann Voskamp

And I take this gratitude seriously. Like learning a new language. Blazing new trails in my brain and spirit. I’m keeping a list, taking pictures of moments. Paying attention to now. Everything is at a standstill and still I catch myself thinking, “Once this is over, then I can…” Nope. Wrong. This is the life that’s happening now. Live it. Because there is plenty of treasure to hunt, even in the midst of hard.

Also, one of my love languages (as far as showing love) is gift giving. When I give a gift, it is thoughtful and my whole heart is in it. It is my desire that the receiver be fully blessed by it. I am created in the image of God… Who embodies all of the love languages fully. I imagine seeing me be delighted in His good gifts throughout the day delights Him right back. As a gift giver, when I know I can delight my kids with something meaningful, I want to do it more.

What I know is as I’m looking for the gifts and finding many of them, even in the mundane and hard, my heart is getting lighter. I’m staying here in the moment and enjoying it. I’ve gone too many days without joy, and that’s just not for me. Chemo is necessary to save my body, but Thankfulness might be what actually saves my life.