5 O’Clock Shadow

Journal entry by megan steele — Jan 26, 2020

This past week has been a weirdly liberating one. All of the things that had me terrified and grieving are now things that make me happy and hopeful.nnI’m starting to notice the equivalent of a 5 o’clock shadow on my scalp. The last time I had “this much” hair, I was devastated. Now I’m squealing with glee! I keep having dreams that I have enough hair to style and go out in public with. I’m even taking prenatal vitamins just to see if I can help speed up the process.

On Thursday, I went in to have my radiation mapping done to prepare for radiation (I’ll explain the process later). When I first learned I’d have to have radiation to treat breast cancer I was on my knees grieving. Now, after chemo, radiation feels like the good guy. Granted, I’ll be going in 5 days a week for 6 weeks, but I feel like I’m in the home stretch and can’t wait to get. it. done.

On Friday I had my port removed. If you are just tuning in, a port is what is installed near my clavicle and how all the chemotherapy is delivered. (See attached diagram.) Some people leave their port in for years, in case cancer returns. While I completely identify with that nagging feeling, I decided I’m not living life as if cancer will return. I’m over it. I’m not keeping the door open or offering it any hospitality. BUT, I remember when I had to have the port put in. The idea of it and everything it represented terrified me and I was more scared of this procedure than I was my initial surgery. Now, as soon as chemo was over, I made an appointment and was counting the days. I couldn’t wait to, essentially, have the same procedure done and get that thing out of me.

Things that used to feel like a big deal have been put into perspective. I find myself thinking, “I didn’t survive cancer just to have ___________ take me down“. I also can’t believe what I used to consider a big deal. I’ve learned to live life a little more slowly and connected. I’m consciously working on being present. Not spending myself, my energy, real estate in my brain on future concerns and what-ifs. “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” Luke 12:25

This next leg of the race is a bit lengthy and will have it’s own set of side effects and inconveniences, but I now believe I have what it takes. I will continue to draw on God’s strength on a daily basis, taking each day as it comes.

I often hear that I don’t look sick, or that if “I didn’t know you had cancer I would have no idea, by looking at you, that anything was going on.” (Granted, if you saw me without make up or a wig, I would definitely look more cancer-y.) I am floored whenever I hear this, but I think it goes to show how true the saying is: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”