July 30, 2021

Bendy Pretzels and the Middle Aged Survivor

2 years ago, today, I was standing in a donut shop in Sandy, Oregon when I got the phone call from my Doctor. I truly did not expect the news she delivered. I was certain I must’ve had some kind of cyst or temporary issue, so when she said the word “Cancer”, that was the only thing I heard. She said a lot of other things, but I had to call her back to find out what they were, because after hearing the C word, I couldn’t take anything else in.

What a wild ride that whole season has been. And continues to be. A lot of life and learning has been packed into these past 2 years. And the lessons keep coming. My body is completely different. It’s probably healthier than it’s ever been, but it’s also larger than it’s ever been. As I’ve been finding my way back to health, I’ve had several set backs- Instant menopause, removal of ovaries (and post-op complications), lots of fatigue… Getting my body to do the things my mind thinks it should be doing is not how it seems to work, especially with the fatigue and weight I’ve gained through all the set backs. I *think* I’m finally to the stage where I will begin to be on top again? I hope?

In the meantime, I’ve had a few victories here and there. I’ve been promoted in the new job I love. I did the work and earned my Master Trainer/Level 1 Yoga Therapy Certification. Yesterday, was my 26th anniversary to the man who has stuck by my side through this whole ordeal. Some survivors lose their person during the crisis. I have so much gratitude for this man.I

What I love about yoga, especially YogaFaith, is that I’ve learned to be present in my body. Even when it seems like a scary place to be. I become in tune with every part of me, and the Holy Spirit moving through me. I’ve learned I don’t need to make my body fit the pose, I make the pose fit my body. I show up, meet Jesus on the mat, and the rest is ah. maze. ing. Which is very healing. Yoga is not about being a bendy pretzel. At least not for this 44 year old. Maybe someday. Maybe.

As I move my body, directed by my breath, I pray and am settled by the presence of my Healer. And I want to be clear about God and healing… Even if my story had a different ending, I will still tell you I’ve been healed. The healing isn’t always necessarily about the physical disease. During my time of treatment, hair loss, emotional pain, etc, God did SO MUCH in me, healing so many things I’d packed away and pushed down. Keeping my focus on him, even when survival was a minute by minute process, he healed so much of me– the actual person. Even if the outcome had gone south, I can definitely tell you, I have been healed. I hope this makes sense?

At the graduation ceremony at my Master Trainer Immersion a couple of weeks ago, my YogaFaith mentor told me, “God allowed you to be sick so He could heal you.” Truer words, man. Truer words.

And, now? Now I consider that whole season as my training. Most of you know I’d been on track to finish my certification training when all of this took place and everything was postponed a year. Totally God’s timing, because now I have a whole new skill set! While my yoga is available for anyone looking to create a little space in their lives, I now have a special place in my heart for and a special understanding in working with breast cancer survivors. Or any health event, really. Who’da thunk?

Normally, I try to remind y’all to “Feel Them On The First”. The first is Monday, and I will post the reminder on my socials. But today, I’m asking you. Nay, begging you. Make the appointments you’ve been putting off. Listen to your body. Don’t ignore what it might be trying to tell you. Drink water. Go for a walk. This body has served you your whole life. Show it some love. Thank it for getting you this far.