In the past four weeks I’ve had a port placed in my chest, I’ve gone back to work full time, I’ve had 2 chemo treatments, and I’ve lost my hair. And with each new step I’ve had to learn a new normal.
All along the way, my husband has been with me, going to many appointments, sitting with me during surgeries and chemo treatments, babysitting me after chemo… Sometimes I come home absolutely exhausted and he’s standing at the sink doing the dishes. Not all women have this and I am fully aware of this. My heart doesn’t take this for granted. I’ve heard of men leaving their women after the hair loss. My heart breaks over the shallowness of that.
My hair decided to say goodbye to me last weekend. I’d been bracing myself for it for quite some time, but then there it was. My newest normal. I’d prepared ahead of time by choosing several alternatives, and some sweeties out there have gifted me with a few head coverings that have come in very handy. I’ve spent all week learning how to “be”, finding my footing with what I’m most comfortable in versus what looks “normalish”. (I have to say, the advancement in wig making is incredible!) Everyone at work has been so supportive and encouraging, loading me up with compliments to help keep me upright.
But at the end of the day when it’s just me and my mirror, it is the most comfortable I feel and also the most surreal, weird thing to see. And I always lock the door. It took me a week to let my husband see what’s been hiding under the wigs and turbans all week. Even though we’ve been married for 24+ years. Even though he’s been such a support through this entire beautiful mess. For some reason, other women’s stories have been playing in my head and I was worried he’d take one look at this “Sméagol” for a wife, and I’d lose my “Precious” emotionally. After every low point he’s watched me go through, now this? But when I finally, tearfully showed him, he took me into his arms, transferring his strength into me. (He wouldn’t even let me cover my head first.) He said many loving and encouraging things and reminded me that my identity does not come from my hair. Which is something I’ve been saying to myself with words and have been thinking in my brain, but hearing it from him helped speed the process of experiencing it in my heart. I guess I’ll keep him. 😍
One name for the enemy of our souls is Accuser. And he’s so subtly good at it. This whole thing that I’ve been wrestling with since July has been hard, but as it’s weakened my body, it’s strengthened my relationship with Christ. It’s strengthened my faith. God is the lover of my soul. But my soul also has an enemy, and what he wanted to use to destroy my faith and my love for God wasn’t working out so well. It’s these little things… these temporary things, I can see where he’s trying to effect my self-talk. Whispering ideas, trying to create doubt in myself, my identity, my God.
I used to tell my girls, regarding self-talk and emotions, “If what you’re feeling/thinking starts with a D- Discouragement, Disappointment, Defeat, Disheartened… It’s not coming from God. He’s not the one that talks to us that way.” Our accuser has some other names to be aware of- Adversary, Tempter, Thief, Father of lies… As I’ve taken inventory of this past month and the things that have taken place, I can see where my adversary has wiggled his way into my thought life, planting some D-words into my heart and mind. Nope. He’s like the man behind the curtain trying to be the “Great and Powerful Oz”. Now that I’ve pulled the curtain back, he’s been exposed. Now my Advocate and I will spend this week cleaning up the mess and replacing the lies with Truth. To be clear, this is a day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment decision on our part. “…and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 5:10
