Chemo Schmeemo

Journal entry by megan steele — Jan 3, 2020

Today is a big deal. We left the house at 3am to drop our youngest off at the airport to begin her amazing 5 month journey with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). We are excited for all that she will learn and the work she will do, including working with refugees.

 

When we came home at 6am, we came home to an empty nest… My heart is still trying to figure out what it feels… I had applied mascara to the 4 eyelashes I have left, but watching her go through security and off to her future sort of ruined that.

 

 

At 8:30 this morning, I went in for my LAST chemo! I’ve been getting hooked up to chemicals every other Friday for the past 4 months and after today, I’M DONE. Again, my (sleep deprived) heart doesn’t know what to feel right now. And again with the mascara.

 

My liver and my patience have been taxed. My hair and my strength have worn thin. I think all I’ve done for quite some time is put one foot in front of the other. (At times if feels like I’m wading through peanut butter.) I will continue to simply do this as I begin the next phase of treatment.

 

I’ve had to work counter-intuitively through this process. At the beginning, I was taking immune boosters to prepare my immune system for chemo. I was told to stop, because I’d be helping cancer cells too. I wanted to take antioxidants. Nope. Same reason. I made it all the way through the first phase of school without getting sick and then got a cold over Christmas. Take vitamin C? Nope. No “letter” vitamins. Cells and their growth are really quite fascinating. Especially the fast growing ones. I did what I was told and let God know (aka- reminded myself) that this is all His and I’m trusting Him on a cellular level. With things that I cannot see. The one thing I did get away with was Milk Thistle! About a month ago, I was told my liver was not yet in failure but that my counts were pretty high. Milk thistle is a huge liver supporter. I freaked out and took it for a week before saying anything. At my appointment Dr. Prins said my liver looked much better. I told her what I’d done, and she said it was OK and to keep doing it! Yay! But stay away from Tylenol. This has also thrown me into a temporary menopause (Hot Flashes are the WORST). Because of the type of cancer I have (had? ), my oncologist would like to keep me in menopause. For now, that will mean shots every month, and there’s talk of bilateral oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) in my future.

 

I’ve been slashed. I’ve been poisoned. Next is the burn. I don’t entirely know what to expect from life during radiation besides the obvious burns and fatigue. But, I feel like if I can survive chemo, I can take on radiation. God has been faithful this far, and I don’t expect He’ll ditch me now.

One thing I’m working through is realizing I will never “feel” cancer free. At some point after radiation I hope and expect to be declared cancer free. I will celebrate, be thrilled, and let all of Caring Bridge know! But every bite of food I take, I will wonder, “If there is a dormant cancer cell hiding somewhere, will this feed it?” I will always wonder if it will come back or if I’ll get a “new” cancer. Every physical complaint my husband has, I immediately think, “We need to get that checked out!” And again, I have to remind myself to trust God on a cellular level. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1nnGonna do my part by making sure every time I eat, there is something living included (i.e.: Toast and peanut butter could have bananas on it, or avocado instead of peanut butter. Yogurt could have berries. Etc.) I’m going to make sure I’m moving my body and getting some exercise. My 2020 intention is to really take Sabbath, a day of rest, seriously. A dopamine fast, if you will. Gonna meditate. Gonna respect this one body I have, that does so much for me, and be a better steward of it. Because “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14nnI still have a ways to go treatment-wise, but to chemotherapy I just want to say, “Buh-Bye. Aint nobody got time fo dat.”